Natalie Hobbs shares her story of learning that her new baby, Sam, had been diagnosed with Down Syndrome. She talks about how she personally worked through the diagnosis and what it would mean for their family and their new son as well as the joy and happiness that Sam has brought to their family. This episode's Pebble: The pebble for this week is to check out one of the following organizations to learn a bit more about Down Syndrome. National Down Syndrome Society National Down Syndrome Congress Down Syndrome Diagnosis Network - They have a ton of very specific groups to meet your needs ... both for Moms and Dads. Jack's Basket - They are doing an incredible job celebrating babies and changing the narrative of how parents receive their baby's diagnosis. Down Syndrome Association of Minnesota - Super educational and helpful in all areas, across the lifespan! Zion's Army - In memory of their son, they celebrate babies on their 1st birthday by sending gift boxes of therapy/learning toys. Zoe's Toolbox - sends families therapy - OT, PT, Speech - supplies for free. You can find links for them in the full show notes as well as find out how to support the podcast and the See Good Days Shop!
Natalie Hobbs shares her story of learning that her new baby, Sam, had been diagnosed with Down Syndrome. She talks about how she personally worked through the diagnosis and what it would mean for their family and their new son as well as the joy and happiness that Sam has brought to their family.
THIS EPISODE’S PEBBLE: The pebble for this week is to check out one of the following organizations to learn a bit more about Down Syndrome.
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Natalie Hobbs
[00:00:00] Anne: I am grateful today to be able to be speaking with Natalie Hobbs, Natalie and I have known each other for a long time, but also haven't seen each other in a really long time. That's true. It's true. It's probably been, I mean, what, like 14 years, I don't know how we're old enough for it to have been 14 years since I last saw you.
[00:00:18] It blows my mind, but yeah. They're 14 years. So yeah, about that time. Natalie, I'll let you introduce yourself quick. Sure. Thank you.
[00:00:29] Natalie: I'm Natalie. I live in salt lake city, Utah with my husband, Kyle. We have four kids. The oldest is, oh gosh, 12, then nine. Six. And our youngest, Sam is two and a half.
[00:00:49] There'll be three in July. We were living in the bay area for a while. We lived in Palo Alto for eight years, then North Carolina for just a short little 18 months. And now we're back to where Kyle and I met and married and. For crazy kids. I have a few listeners that understand that whole idea of residency to residency, to write the different things and moving around. But you develop really great friendships through those experiences. Right. I think unless, you've been through it or something similar, I'm sure pharmacy school is rigorous, but, I think unless you've been through it, it's hard to really understand how demanding it is for them in their fellowship and, residency years.
[00:01:39] But it really does. I feel it really made our. Our relationship closer. So while they were hard years, I looked back on them. Men think they were some of our best years. They're really? Yeah. , we wanted to talk a little bit about your youngest. You'd mentioned his name was Sam and. That's it. Can you just kind of start from the beginning about how you'd had three kids and then you found out you were pregnant again, so start there.
[00:02:07] Yeah. So it was Kyle's first job out of, well, first real job out of fellowship. And we were living in North Carolina and had three kids and I just felt like it was like this. Golden hour of motherhood. I just felt like I was like in my group, I felt I had my head above water with the kids, you know, they were at good ages and we finally had a real job.
[00:02:36] We weren't so poor and destitute from student loans and everything. We bought our first house and life was just really magical and great. I just felt Kyle and I have all kind of felt like four was our magic number of children and I'm looking at three and I'm like, oh, do we want to, it's just so hard to start all over and brand new in this, you know, across the country from my own family.
[00:03:07] But I just felt like our family was not complete. Who was kind of a lot to swallow being so comfortable in my life. But knowing that, the Lord wanted something more for us and that was another child. We got pregnant super easily and, I was probably 11 weeks pregnant, went to the doctor and they have a new blood test that you can find out the gender of the baby.
[00:03:36] You know, you don't even have to wait to the 20 week anatomy scans. And so I was like, oh, this is so cool. You know, like I can find out the gender next week. And so I just went ahead and did it, and I didn't think anything of it, and I, am driving to meet Kyle for lunch one day and the phone rings.
[00:03:57] And it's this number? I don't know. So I, send it to voicemail and it called me again right after. And I was like, oh, I guess I should answer this. So I answer the phone and it's my OB GYN. And she says, Hey, I'm Dr. So-and-so. And I thought it was weird that the actual doctor would call me just to tell me the gender of my baby. And it's still not really registering. And she said, I know we haven't met, but, I wanted to give you the results from your tests.
[00:04:28] And I said, oh, okay. She said, the results came back and your baby has tested positive for trisomy 21, down syndrome. And I was like, What?, and I'm driving at this point and I just. It was just like, I couldn't really compute the words that she had just spoken to me. They were just so foreign to me that I, [00:05:00] I was just in shock and she said, are you, are you okay?
[00:05:03] And they said, oh yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just, and I just like stuttered and then I started crying and then she's like, would you like to know the gender? I was like, yeah, that's the whole reason I thought you were calling, you know? And she said, it's a little boy. And I said, okay. And I'm just crying and driving at this point.
[00:05:30] And she just said, you know, you're at a. Kind of a critical point in your pregnancy. If you'd like to terminate the fetus, she was always referring it to as like a, a fetus at this point, you know, not a baby, but she's like, if you'd like to terminate the fetus, we can talk about that and we can come in. Get it done tomorrow, you know?
[00:05:58] And I was just like, oh no, like it's, it was never, that's just never been an option for me. And, and then I was really grateful that she, um, just took that at face value. She was just really sweet and gentle after that.
[00:06:16] so I'm driving aimlessly. I've just been hit with like this ton of bricks and I hang up with her and I call Kyle and, uh, Sobbing. And he said, what what's wrong? And I just said like, all I could blurt out was the baby has down syndrome and he was hit with a ton of bricks.
[00:06:37] You know, it's just such a. It's just so hard to wrap your mind around, you know, all this time. I just, I guess I knew it was an option. I was 37 when I got pregnant with him. So I guess I knew it was something that could happen. It just never entered my mind. That's how we found out about our little Sam and it just kind of put us into a little bit of a tailspin after that.
[00:07:09] Anne: How did you kind of work through all of those, those thoughts and those feelings of just, uh, like a change in trajectory, right.
[00:07:18] Natalie: For sure. I went and picked Kyle up and we just sat in our car and cried and. My then two year old was just in the backseat going like what is going on?
[00:07:31] But I just remember it was just, there was life before that, two minute call with my OB GYN and then there's life after and the life before.
[00:07:43] And it's just that life after knowing what I knew, it was just never going to be the same. Kyle was really good about it. You know, he's in the medical profession and before he even went to med school, he worked, um, at a school with kids with autism.
[00:08:00] And so he was around kids with, different abilities. And I had never had any exposure really to, kids with down syndrome. So Kyle took it really well and I did not.
[00:08:17] I went into what I, um, feel as like the closest I've ever been to like a mental breakdown. And so I, I just kind of shut down for a couple of weeks. I, my way of coping was to just fall asleep. I slept for probably two weeks. Kyle worked from home for a couple of weeks and, um, just managed everything and I just retreated to my bed and, , it was just really hard.
[00:08:54] And I think my grieving lasted the whole pregnancy. I was just really sad the whole, the whole nine months. It was just, um, you know, it just changes your life so dramatically you go from, like what are we going to do when we retire? It just changes everything. We just had to restructure how we thought about everything.
[00:09:24] Like, okay, like who is going to take care of this child in the longterm, you know, after we pass away and have you set up, um, you know, him financially when we're gone and it just changes every aspect. Of your life. And so it was a lot to process and, I don't know that I processed it really well, but I just did what I needed to do in the moment.
[00:09:55] I think.
[00:09:57] Anne: You shared a video on social media? [00:10:00] I think it was pretty recently for world down syndrome day or something. Where, where the husband tells the wife that the baby has down syndrome. Like they, they find out out the delivery, um, for you, like was, it would have been easier to find out. I mean, I'm just curious.
[00:10:18] Natalie: Yeah, I've heard I've. So in speaking with other moms that have found out about, how they found out about their baby having down syndrome, and a lot of them it's called, you know, mine was a prenatal diagnosis and some are birth diagnoses where they don't find out until the baby's born. And, um, It's just, someone said, the way you find out is the way you're supposed to find out.
[00:10:44] And I really have thought about that. And that was really true for us. When we found out about Sam, it changed everything for us. Ironically, Kyle was offered a job a week earlier, a week before I found out about Sam. And the job was in salt lake where all of our family was. And I don't know that we would have taken that job in salt lake.
[00:11:10] Had we not found out about Sam but, I do feel like since I found out about his diagnosis at 12 weeks, my grief lasted the whole pregnancy until I was able to hold him. And then it was just gone. Like a light switch was turned on. My grief was just gone I feel like, people that find out at birth, I feel like maybe they're grieving as a little bit shortened, because you have that baby there that you can love and.
[00:11:48] Realize everything's going to be okay. Still , I think, , however, and whenever you received that news, that's just traumatic. It's just life all through news. And so, I really am grateful that we found out at 12 weeks. Even though my grief lasted longer and I sat with it longer, I.
[00:12:11] How I found out was how I was supposed to find out.
[00:12:16] Anne: What role did friends play for you in order to help and support you?
[00:12:21] Like we had talked about those other people who are kind of going through the med school journey with you. What role did they play?
[00:12:27] Natalie: So it was really interesting cause, we hadn't been in North Carolina very long, probably six months. When we found out about Sam.
[00:12:35] And so I really didn't have, my support group was of these great women who I love dearly were back in California. And so they sent flowers and we, would video chat and they sent flowers for. World down syndrome day, which I thought was sweet. So they were very supportive, but, I really didn't have my group.
[00:13:01] I had a couple really great friends in North Carolina that, although they didn't know me super well again, I had only been there six months or so they just really picked me up and just carried me, I think. I'll just always look back on those women as, just angels to me, they were just pick me up when I was literally on the floor and saved me.
[00:13:31] And so I think. God really put them in my path I have a dear friend she was one of the first people I told in North Carolina. And then I just kind of retreated to my bedroom. It was my daughter's, eighth birthday coming up and I had nothing planned and all I had been doing is sleeping and crying and she just said, Hey, I know it's Emerson's birthday next week.
[00:14:00] And I know you're feeling sad and. Go to Disney world. And I said, okay. And Kyle was just happy to see me out of bed. And so he's like, go do it. And so we just took our girls it was just what I needed to feel like life would go on again. And I will always be so grateful for her that she saw, that it was my daughter's birthday, that I hadn't planned anything and she knows I love Disney. And so she just, I think often in these situations we just don't know how to help anybody.
[00:14:33] And so we just don't, you know, we just. I don't know how to help. So we just don't and, she just sat with it and thought about what she could do and what we could do together. And, it really just kind of brought me out of the deepest of deeps for awhile.
[00:14:56] Anne: That got me thinking of a question, what to say, if you don't know [00:15:00] what to say, like how to kind of what your friend did.
[00:15:03] Natalie: So what to say, if you don't know what to say? I think it's different for every situation, but.
[00:15:08] In my situation, I think what was the most hurtful is when people would give their condolence, when they're like, I'm so sorry. And I had enough, that I didn't need someone else coming to me saying, I'm so sorry about your baby. You know, I was sorry. Which makes me sad now, but you know, I was sorry for the both of us.
[00:15:32] I didn't need somebody else saying that they were sorry. I appreciated it when people would give their congratulations, you know, when they said, when they would say I'm so excited for you, we're so excited for your baby. So I think in situations of like a prenatal diagnosis of an abnormality, I think it's just best to show love, but not show condolence.
[00:16:01] And I think it's different, you know, with every situation. But one of the things I learned through grief and seeing. Other friends of mine that have gone through, loss of a husband loss of, close family members. And it's just nothing that an outside person is gonna say is gonna make the situation better.
[00:16:25] I think oftentimes we try and think of something that we can say that would be really beneficial and helpful. And it's just usually not the case that we're going to say something so profound that they haven't thought of. But, what is beneficial is just for you to sit with them in their time of grief.
[00:16:44] Brene Brown talks about like grief being like this hole and you see your friend down in the hole and you want to help her out and you want to give her something that, she can latch onto to get her out. And so you try and think of these things. And again, usually you're not going to be able to bring them out of their grief.
[00:17:06] Like nothing anybody said to me was going to change the situation, but she says, true friends just crawl in that hole with you and they just sit with you in your time of grief and I that's, what I found most comforting is people that showed up and sat with me .
[00:17:25] They drop things off at my doorstep. I had a friend drop off, books about kids with down syndrome, which was helpful. I felt like if I could, learn everything I could learn and be informed, I felt less scared about it. I had a friend drop off, a baby blanket and this sweet little, Bear that I still have on Sam's nightstand.
[00:17:46] And it was the first gift that I had that really like celebrated Sam and my pregnancy. And, so I think that's important to just show up in ways that, feel natural. If they have a prenatal diagnosis, just do what you would naturally do and drop off a baby gift. You know, a onesy or a blanket and just say, we're so excited.
[00:18:10] You know, even if I couldn't feel excited just to know that other people were excited. I think, just sit with them in their time of grief and try and act as happy as you can for them. If that makes sense.
[00:18:23] Anne: you talked a little bit about when you first heard Sam diagnosis. Can you talk a little bit about the first time you saw Sam after he was born and kind of the difference between those sure.
[00:18:34] Those moments?
[00:18:36] Natalie: Right. So this is one of my craziest things, cause I don't feel like. Grief is so night and day as it was with me. You know, I was just, especially the night before I gave birth to say I was just really in a dark place. It was just so different with my other three pregnancies and births.
[00:18:57] There's a level of excitement. I was so excited to meet those babies and to be done with pregnancy and. With Sam, I was just terrified. I, the night before we went in for the scheduled induction the next day, I was just beside myself, I was just so, so scared because, um, You know what it all has been like, oh, I have a baby with down syndrome and, oh, I have six months though.
[00:19:26] I have four months. I have three months. I have a month, you know, to really wrap my head around this. And then it was just like, tomorrow is the day when life really changes, you know, before it was like, oh, it'll change in this way, in this way. But it was just, I don't think my mind could really process it.
[00:19:45] And so the night before, when could no longer. Kind of push it away. It was just staring at me in the face. I was just terrified. And it's such a weird feeling to be terrified to meet your child, you [00:20:00] know, but I was just beside myself and grief and I feel like I was sad the whole nine months, but I feel like I had kind of pushed it back to the back of my mind.
[00:20:14] And it, and then suddenly that night I just could no longer ignore it. And so with my grief, I just found it so ironic, not ironic, but just amazing that, the minute I, the very second they put him on my chest. It was just. Gone like all of the sadness and all of the heartbreak for nine months, just such a long time, it was just gone.
[00:20:48] It was just over, like someone had flipped on a switch and I was happy again. And I just felt like I can do this. Like I got this, he's just a baby. And yes, he comes with, extra needs and delays that my other children don't. But at the end of the day, he's just a baby. He's like any other baby, you know, he'll sleep and he'll.
[00:21:19] Need diaper changes in he'll walk and he'll talk. And those things will look different than my other children, but he's just a baby and he's my baby. And I just feel like, he just like mended, mended my heart in a way that I could not. Or seen, I just, it was such darkness before and now it's just, it was since that very moment, I, I have not shed another tear over his diagnosis and I've just been so just happy talking about it brings me back to those, those feelings, but, He has just been, since the minute they laid him on my chest, kids just been, an absolute.
[00:22:17] Joy and a light that I just cannot describe. I don't know. He's just a special little guy.
[00:22:26] Anne: So if you could go back to that car ride, where he got that phone call, what would you tell yourself?
[00:22:32] Natalie: You know, I would just tell myself that it was going to be okay. But, , a lot of people that.
[00:22:39] Had been on my same journey and come out the, the tunnel on the other end, they, you know, they would say, you're going to be okay. It's gonna be okay. Like, you're gonna just love this baby boy. And so even listening to people that had had my same experience, I wasn't able to like put a lot of stock in their experience and find a lot of comfort in that.
[00:23:05] So I think I would have. That crying couple in the car, you know, like it's gonna be okay, but I don't know that I would've believed them. You know, it was just, it's just something that I had to experience and go through, for me to like really, really, truly believe.
[00:23:28] Anne: what would you say are like the most important things that you've learned through the experience?
[00:23:34] Natalie: Yeah, I think, I just find such, joy in diversity now, you know, I just find that Sam has brought.
[00:23:44] A level of awareness to us that we weren't able to see before.
[00:23:48] I think one of the things that came through really clear when I was in my darkest depths of despair, is that the Lord. Would us Sam, to give our family, and especially my other three kids, a level of compassion and love for other kids with disability that they couldn't have gained any other way.
[00:24:10] You know, we always talk about being nice to everybody but, I think now that they have Sam in their life, they are ultra aware of anybody with, disabilities or anybody that's being left out. And they just go to that person and they find that person that needs love, because they know that one day Sam will be in school and Sam will be the one who, may be left out or bullied. And they, just feel like it has given them a level of compassion towards others that they would not have been able to receive any other way
[00:24:52] I just think, unless you've been through it or know somebody who has gone through it, you're just unaware of these struggles that [00:25:00] people have.
[00:25:00] And then by knowing about it, it just opened your eyes to how people struggle and what you can do to make it easier for them in the load that they bear.
[00:25:12] Anne: For sure. What are some of your favorite things about Sam favorite? Just little things that he does or, I mean, I've seen pictures of him and he is just got like the cutest smile and just seems to just exude joy all the time.
[00:25:29] Natalie: He's honestly like the best thing to. For happened to us. Like he's just, and I feel so sad now that I ever shed a single tear of sadness about him, because he is just so great. And. My other three kids will probably have to go to counseling their whole life because I think a thousand times a day, I'd say to him, like, you're my favorite?
[00:25:52] Like not the other, not the other three, but you like, you're my favorite, but I think he's, everybody's favorite, you know, like the kids just fawn over him. And we just think that, the sun rises and sets on Sam. Like he is just. There's just something. I mean, I think there's something special about any baby, you know, like they're all so sweet, but it's just something so special about him and, you know, he's almost three, but he started walking when he was two and he has very limited, words, but he uses signs to.
[00:26:33] Get his point across. And so we've been working with physical therapy since he was two weeks old. So the milestones come so much later than a typical child. We have to work so much harder to get him to do these things, all these things I took for granted with my other kids, They just did it.
[00:26:52] They just develop typically and normally, but with him, he has to work harder at everything he does, from eating to drinking, to crawling, to rolling over, to walk you everything he does, he has to work so much harder and he has to have a team of. Therapists that come to our house and show us how to do this and help him to do this.
[00:27:16] But when those milestones come, they're just so much sweeter because he has worked so hard for him. And so I see a level of, determination in him that, it's just so, so sweet. Everywhere we go. We just have people like stopping and talking to him. Cause he just smiles with his eyes and just like looks at people and smiles and waves.
[00:27:44] And there's just no barriers really. He's just magic.
[00:27:49] Anne: I did an interview with a friend a while back who her daughter has cerebral palsy and ran cross country and things like that. And so we talk a lot about just her grit and determination to be able to do that and everything else that she does.
[00:28:04] I feel like sometimes. Those kids who are given struggles that are very apparent to the outside world are also given strength kind of beyond what you would expect in order to help them overcome those things. When you were talking about sign language, it reminded me we used to watch like baby signing time with our kids and the song in that, the song at the beginning, or maybe at the end, I can't remember, talk about, I chose you and you chose me or you chose me.
[00:28:31] And I chose you something about that from that perspective of, as a parent, you choose your kids and your kids choose you. What role has that kind of played for you and in this, recognizing that, that there's a divine purpose in having Sam in your life and having Sam as he is?
[00:28:48] Natalie: Um, I feel like, before Sam, I never ever thought I could.
[00:28:52] Have a child with special needs. I just didn't feel like I was cut out for that in a lot of ways. I still don't feel like I'm cut out for that. But I feel like if the Lord brings you to it, he'll bring you through it. And he, has shown me that my capacity is greater than what I thought.
[00:29:10] And oftentimes we think, oh, I can't do that. You know, who am I to think that I could tackle this, but really with the Lord help I just feel like he has, it's been me, Him and Kyle and Sam on this journey, but he's been in the details and intricately aware of where I feel, Insecure and helps me to realize that like Sam was all a , supposed to be a part of our family.
[00:29:41] And there was no mistake in his chromosomes. You know, he, he was very aware of, what he was placing before us. And what I once, I thought was such. A difficult thing. What I once viewed as just like the end of my life. [00:30:00] It's just not that big of a deal. I just feel like the Lord has helped me, carry this and process it all.
[00:30:07] I'll just be forever grateful that he, entrusted me with Sam, he's just the best.
[00:30:14] Anne: Awesome. I I've heard that, that bit of advice too. If the Lord brings you to it, the Lord brings you through it. And I feel like that works, retroactively as well. And kind of like, you're like, wow, I know that I was brought through this by divine help and be like, okay.
[00:30:28] That means that what I was brought through with was part of it, for sure
[00:30:32] Natalie: . Like. You know, that's not that comforting when you're going through it, right. Like for someone to say, you know, the Lord or help you, you know, it's not that comforting when you're in the thick of things, but yeah, like you said, retroactively, you can look back and say, oh, like he really was in those details.
[00:30:52] Anne: Yeah. The last question on the podcast is always the same. The purpose of pebbles of light is to celebrate those relationships that have helped to brighten our path and in turn, help us light the paths of others. Would you share about one or two people who've placed a pebble of light in your path?
[00:31:08] Natalie: Sure. I think I touched on it a little bit before, but , it was, my friend in North Carolina that. Just celebrated. Sam dropped off a baby gift and celebrated Sam in a way that I wasn't able to at the time. And I really feel like she allowed me to feel joy, like a small shred of joy about this baby that was coming into our lives.
[00:31:34] And she really, just helped me to see like a glimmer of. Hope and of light there were so many people on the way of that, but she really stood out in my mind and someone that just let me know that everything was going to be okay in a small and simple way.
[00:31:52] Anne: Awesome. Thank you for taking time to visit today. It was fun to get caught up and loved getting these thoughts about Sam and the joy that he's brought to your life.
[00:32:02] And thanks for sharing how you kind of worked through all of that. Is there any particular like groups or resources that you would recommend for people to check out if they are on a similar path?
[00:32:13] Natalie: Facebook has been so helpful to me. As the case is with any diagnosis , they have these Facebook groups I'm a part of one that's specific to down syndrome, but there's myriad of other, , groups out there.
[00:32:28] And, they were really helpful, you know, it's overwhelming to be a part of these groups because some of these, Struggles that people are facing, they're going to come down the road for us when Sam is, you know, 18, 19 or yeah. And so I really have to. be cautious as to how deep I delve into these groups.
[00:32:52] But, they have been really beneficial for, the issues that our kids face. And it's just like a wealth of knowledge to have all of these parents that have gone through similar things. And you just kind of. Put it out there say, Hey, this is what we're struggling with. And you you'll immediately get, you know, 20, 30 responses of like, oh, this worked for our little guy and, or go see this specialist.
[00:33:21] And so I think in this day and age, it's just so miraculous. I think if Sammy had been born. 20 years ago that had information is just so much harder to find. And you're limited to one book that somebody wrote about it. But now I just have, at my fingertips, a group of people that have gone through those things.
[00:33:41] Anne: All right. Thank you.
[00:33:43] Natalie: Thank you so much. I appreciate this.